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What's worse than watching porn in the Commons?



Watching THOSE Facebook videos ANYWHERE!


So, I am fairly new to social media in terms of actively using it. 5 years ago, I reluctantly made a Twitter account, just so that I could follow the media products I have to teach. At the time, I was determined this was only ever going to be one-way communication.

Last year, I self-published a novel and created my own website and Facebook page for marketing purposes. Because this is how publishing works now: you have to ‘sell yourself’.

Despite many desperate attempts, I have failed miserably in this endeavour.

What I seem to have succeeded at is becoming a click-bait connoisseur.


A week or so ago, I stumbled across a video on Facebook (sorry, no, I’m not calling it Meta) entitled: “Balloon Pop Surprise for Military Husband”. I believe there was some additional caption along the lines of, ‘viewers prepare to be amazed,” or something. For some unknown reason I clicked on it. I have no defense; can’t say I was drunk, or stoned or even that bored really. And once I started, I had to watch to the end. I mean, I felt compelled – I know I didn’t actually HAVE to. That’s kind of the point of this blog. Why do so many of us sit through totally banal content? It was so obvious after one minute that a) she was pregnant and that b) the ‘producers’ behind the video were going to drag the ‘story’ out as long as possible to ‘reveal’ this. Ten minutes thirty-one seconds to be precise. Some sick sado-masochistic streak in me, once I have started to watch, just forces me to sit through the entire thing without skipping to the last few seconds. I suppose it’s the same part of me that won’t ever allow me to cut short a run if I’m feeling tired, or take a short cut when I’m cycling to work; it’s that little voice in my head that says I have to read to the end of that dull novel or sit through that subtitled art film. When my sister told me she skips to the end, there was a little self-righteous part of me that was quietly feeling superior because I MADE THE FUCKING EFFORT. Like those people who judge you for having a greatest hits album, when they’ve got every single basement tape and rarity on vinyl and CD and slept outside some ‘intimate’ venue for three nights to see the band live.

If you want some advice on how to get the most from these videos, this is free: just skip to the comments.

See below for some priceless examples:

He saw her from the side when he came round the corner” - Actually, no he didn’t because he was blindfolded when Ocean brought him in!

The belly is fake, that’s a fake ass video, if you gonna pretend to be in the military make sure to play the roll correctly, wear the right way and shave” - Not sure what ‘the right way’ to wear a uniform means – it looked fine to me!

Surprise was it wasn’t his! She got poked while he was in boot camp. Lol” - What? Maybe there’s a follow up video where this ‘secret’ is ‘revealed’.

You could see she had black pants on that don’t match her skin tone.” - Seriously? We’re studying skin tones now?

And my personal fav: “Another one of these fake videos, as dudes uniform completely violates AR 670-1” - Yes, genuinely – someone wrote that.


This video was apparently ‘recorded live’ by Jibrizy. It has had 21K comments, is loved by 11,380 viewers and has made 85K of witnesses angry.

The Vu Bros production “Last girl takes off her mask and blows everyone away” also comes from the stretch-it out-as-long-as-possible school of ‘film-making’. The scenario this time: a ‘teacher’ announces the results of a beauty contest. 3 ‘students’ stand to his left, all with numbered bags on their heads. Beneath the bags they all wear masks. The first two remove the bags and then their masks within the first minute of the twelve minute twenty-three second saga. It then takes the middle ‘contestant’ the rest of the video to pull off her mask. This is partly because hers is not merely a face covering as the other two wore – it’s more of a balaclava-swimming-cap-mash up that extends right down to the bottom of her neck; and partly it’s just because she has clearly been ‘directed’ to take as long as she can to get the damn thing off. One second it seems almost there and then she literally yanks it back down again.


See below for my pick of comments:

Number 3 is full of herself. Vid is too long. I applaud the 2 ladies in red and would have used that rule to help peel off that mask.” - What RULE? Full of herself!

That was plain stupid why make these videos they r stupid and way to long and she wasn’t even cute the other 2 were much better looking.” - IT WASN’T AN ACTUAL COMPETITION! Stupid!

Good grief! Why didn’t the last girl have on the same kind of mask as the other two and just flippin remove it already? Keeping this going to long makes one lose interest” - I’m sure Jacob Reece Mogg must have better things to do than wade into this ‘debate’.

I watched about 7 seonds before ascertaining that watching this video would be detrimental to my mental capacity. In the 7 seconds that I subjected myself to this idiocy, I felt slightly dumber for having viewed it. Ughh!! Well THERE’S 7 seconds of my lif…” - This person’s vocabulary is far too good to waste on this drivel. They are clearly far too educated to be falling for it.

It’s all fake of course but this has to be the stupidest video of its ilk I’ve seen. I wanted the other two girls to just grab the mask and yank it off her head. What exactly was the point? It sends a bad message to children and wasn’t in the slightest…” - ILK! Bad message to children! Was this posted by the ghost of Mary Whitehouse?

Only one enjoying this is the boring, wiggling, not even worth the long wait #1! She looked like she was having a great time with her not even close to sexy gyrations. ugh!” - There’s no need to get personal is there?

Just like the now definitely fake “airport search” the teacher was the airport “manager” the chick next to him with the great book job was the “smuggler” they’re both to fuggin long”. - Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here, isn’t there. Firstly, I’d like to say the comments are NOT my words – sorry for the use of ‘chick’. Secondly, if book jobs are a thing, maybe this is just what I need to get my novel the attention it deserves. Thirdly, regarding the ‘airport’ video, admit it, you’re just a bit curious, aren’t you? I was. And yes, I did. I spent far too long searching for it so I could see for myself and yes – it’s the same ‘actors’. And the exact same ‘suspenseful’ genre conventions; this time a ‘strip search’ down to a tiny bandage which is unwound slowly to reveal a stash of cash.


It seems to me that the comment-makers fall into three broad categories: there’s the ones who just take it way too seriously, the ones who feel genuinely outraged at having their time wasted and the ones who deep down, know that the fault lies in themselves for taking the bait.

This video has had 38K comments and wait for it…


I said wait…


Now wait a bit longer…


OK, that’s enough of that, I’m boring myself now: 9.9M views. Almost TEN MILLION of us have fallen for this ruse. You’ve got to hand it to this Vu Bros (affiliated with Rick Lax Productions, Jibrizy Productions and Paul Vu Media) they know how to play a crowd.


Their disclaimer states:

“Please be advised this page’s videos are intended for entertainment purposes only. Videos include scripted dramas, satires, parodies, magic tricks and pre-recorded videos.”


So, there you go haters – it’s not meant for analysis or critique! It’s for ‘entertainment only’! I wonder how they would categorise this particular video? Scripted drama seems rather generous. At first I was surprised to see magic tricks included in their portfolio, but on reflection – it is a kind of magic, isn’t it? To get us so mesmerised that we watch the damn things to the end.


While researching this blog – what? These things aren’t just thrown together! I came across an interesting ‘5 Golden Rules’ guide to increasing video views by Promolta which it strikes me, the Vu Bros must have used to create the formula for these nauseatingly yawn-worthy stunts.

To summarise, these are the ‘magic’ ingredients:

1. An emotional title.

2. Provoke curiosity.

3. Tell them what they will get from it.

4. Use odd numbers.

5. Don’t promise too much.


I mean, come on, they have followed it to the letter on the beauty contest, haven’t they? “Blows everyone away” in the title suggests a BIG EMOTIONAL response is in store. It clearly provoked curiosity for all those millions of us to have fallen for it. We knew what we were getting: a great unmasking, a big reveal. Odd numbers? There were THREE contestants. And the last one; this is the killer, isn’t it? Because really, it promised us nothing. We built up those expectations all by ourselves. So we only have ourselves to blame for the cataclysmic disappointment.


Life is disappointing enough already, without inviting it in. Therefore, I vow, here and now, to never click on one of these videos again. I’m done. There are far more important things in life to get worked up about. The cost-of-living crisis. Gas prices. Climate change. Tax dodgers. The War on the Ukraine. The twenty plus other countries currently at war that don’t get media coverage. Homelessness. Poverty. Rape conviction rates. Tin-pot dictators. Cool dictators. Scary-as-fuck dictators.


If only all those people who took to the comments boxes took to the streets over just one of these causes. Pick a cause, any cause. Just don’t let it be click-bait.


Feel free to comment below.




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